Navigating the Demands of Motherhood During a Global Crisis
The term “working mother” is one I have come to resent. The implication being that moms who don’t have a full time job outside of the home are not “working.” The reality is that being a mom means there is always work to be done. Whether you just got home from an eight hour shift or you have been taking care of your child all day, it feels like there is always a demand for something more. I was fortunate to spend over a year at home after my daughter was born, only working part time evenings and weekends after she was around eight months old and could be with her dad for four to five hours without needing to nurse.
About two years ago we decided it was time for me to return to full time work. It was an adjustment, but my daughter was old enough to handle the changes. In the last year two things happened that I was not planning on or prepared for. A global pandemic hit and then I got pregnant. Again, I have been fortunate to have a job where I have been working from home since March. With the additional risks to pregnant women and their unborn children, my managers agreed to let me remain working from home for the duration of the pregnancy. I have now begun the last trimester, and I have to admit I am exhausted.
I feel guilty anytime I complain. I am getting more sleep than if I had to go into the office. I don’t have that hour or more of time driving to work and back eating away at my day. But balancing the work/life mix can be a challenge. My three year old is home with us all the time, and while my husband is also able to work from home and help out, sometimes “daddy” is flatly rejected and there are many things that only “mommy” can do. My hat is off to all the women who come home from an exhausting day of work and then have the demands of their children awaiting them. But there were moments when I wondered if I should volunteer to return to the office despite the risks. Those moments came when my daughter was climbing on me while I was in the middle of a phone call, or crying and throwing a fit while my phone was ringing. She did disconnect one caller. The buttons on mommy’s phone were just too interesting to resist.
Still, I wouldn’t trade it. I am here when some little tragedy happens in her three-year-old world and she just needs to be held. Mornings are less hectic and I can help her with her breakfast and not have to dash out the door just minutes after she woke up. There are pros as well as cons for this working at home and living in a quarantine. Still, there are days after a particularly stressful or draining day of work at my desk, when transitioning to the immediate demands of motherhood feels very exhausting. There is no designated “break time” for moms. No guarantee you will get half an hour uninterrupted to eat lunch, or 15 minutes to regroup in the morning and the afternoon. My 15 minutes now often involve diaper changes.
I knew I wanted another child someday, but was not planning on it being during a pandemic. The additional risks and the possibility of losing the baby if I were to get infected caused us to withdraw even further from family gatherings. It is hard for my daughter to understand why she can’t go to grandpa and grandma’s house anymore, but we are taking every precaution. Although I feel some relief to be this far in the pregnancy and still healthy, I worry what will happen after the baby is born and my maternity leave is up.
Putting a tiny baby into daycare during a pandemic is hardly ideal. Even without the added complication of a global health crisis, there are all the challenges I faced when my first child was born. I had planned to keep my job then and put her in full time daycare. However, the thought of going from taking care of her all day every day to dropping her off with a complete stranger for nine or ten hours, depending on commute time and such, was heartbreaking. I also wanted to keep her on breastmilk. I had tried pumping, with very little success. So at six weeks old she would have had to adjust to not seeing me for nine hours or more at a time, being in a strange home with strangers taking care of her, using a bottle and switching to formula. It was too much. I couldn’t do it to her.
Quitting my job was freeing, but also financially terrifying. To be honest we went into debt and had to rely on some financial help from family in order to survive on one income. However, I felt that I did the right thing for my daughter and myself. Studies have shown that women who breastfeed have a healthier transition both physically and emotionally following childbirth. I worried about postpartum depression, but never experienced it. I know the hormone levels were more naturally evened out by breastfeeding, and I felt that I was able to follow the natural rhythms of nursing by being home with my child. We bonded emotionally and I didn’t have to worry that she was going hungry because I couldn’t pump.
Now I truly don’t know what will happen in March when my maternity leave is up. We live in a society that offers women limited options around motherhood. For women like myself who are unable to pump, the reality is that the milk production dries up if there is no nursing for several hours. The body produces in response to the demands or needs of the baby. I feel that having to choose between a secure job with insurance benefits and a retirement plan, or the health and wellbeing of my baby through breastfeeding and remaining at home until this pandemic is truly over is an unfair choice to be faced with. But this is the reality so many women face. Very few families can survive on one income. We have been very fortunate to be able to keep our daughter out of daycare, but it has come with serious financial consequences as well.
I would like to be optimistic and say there is a bright future out there for mothers, but honestly I don’t know what the answer is. When my daughter was between eight and nine months old I tried working at a daycare where she could also be taken care of at a discounted rate. But I was very concerned with the level of care and the treatment I witnessed there. After two days I pulled my daughter out of there and returned home. Now with two kids and significant debt, quitting my job really isn’t an option this time. We cannot survive on one income and we would lose are insurance coverage. At the same time, if the numbers of COVID cases don’t drastically change by March or there isn’t a vaccine in widespread use by then, I don’t know if I can justify putting a baby, and possibly my three-year-old, into daycare. It feels completely unnatural that parents should have to make these types of decisions, but it happens to thousands of families every year.
I am waiting for a politician to really tackle the problem of childcare in this nation. Give mothers the option of their job being held for them for a year with insurance included while they stay home and nurse a baby, with some sort of subsidy to help make up for the lost income. Temporary jobs at home that moms could do at least part time while they take care of small children. More workplace nurseries where mothers could take breaks to go breastfeed their baby. Honestly that would take less time away from work than pumping, which employers have to allow. It would be healthier for the mother and the baby. And maybe have a rotation where all the employees who have children in the daycare take turns on nursery/daycare duty to cut down on the cost of hiring full time child care providers. Just some ideas while I wait for a candidate with a revolutionary approach to childcare.
