Gratitude and Giving
How thankfulness leads to generosity
This Thanksgiving holiday was unlike any other. Instead of gathering with family members, and even extended family, my husband and I cooked a meal for our immediate household only. Sure, there were still Zoom video chats with other family members, but it wasn’t the same as all being together in person.
The contrast in this year from other years made me reflect on Thanksgiving Days from my childhood when we used to all gather at my grandparents’ house, with up to 50-some people crammed into a rather small Ranch style house. The food was typically the best part to me. My favorites were the stuffing, the home-made rolls, the frozen fruit salad, pumpkin pie, and my mom’s seven-layer bars.
My not-so-favorite parts of the day included the violent football games played by all the grandkids in the basement, and the stuffy gathering in the living room where one of the several family members with training in pastoral work would read part of the Bible and say something spiritual. After that people were expected to go around the room and list what they were thankful for. In theory it sounds like a good concept. After all, the purpose of a day like Thanksgiving is to reflect on all the things to be thankful for. But to me it always felt very forced and tended to turn into a bit of a competition. In an extended family like that it was important to come up with something really “spiritual” to say. Even as a child it never felt authentic to me. Perhaps especially as a child, since children tend to see right through anything artificial. And as a kid what are you expected to say? A genuine response from me would probably go something like, “I am thankful for all the sweets we can eat today.” Or “I am thankful that Christmas is only a month away and there will be presents then.”
It felt like the adults competed a bit to be thankful for something really deep and profound. Who was more thankful for their spouse, or their successful children? Or thankful that God, in His goodness, placed me in this wonderful godly Christian family. It might be too obvious or simple to just reiterate how thankful we all were for Gods’ grace and mercy. But at some point we would be subtly reminded to be thankful for Jesus, because without Him, well you know, Hell…
What I find myself wondering about now was the total lack of any practical actions. We had more than enough food to feed 100 people. We could feed a gathering of over 50 twice that day and still have a lot of leftovers. But no one ever suggested we take that food to anyone in need, or that maybe we help with some sort of local charity. There was a lot of talk and very little action. In fact, not all the talk was that nice either. As I grew into my teen years I was needled about my looks, the clothes I wore, and pestered about questions regarding if I had a boyfriend yet. There was little to no talk that built anyone else up. I usually went home exhausted and feeling worse about myself than I had the day before. I was weak if I got injured in the violent football games, stupid because I didn’t understand or care about football, generally lacking in fashion sense or just natural good looks, and apparently doomed to spend my life alone since I had no romantic prospects. I was keenly aware that my extended family did not know or understand me and they were not motivated to actually get to know me either.
I saw the effects it had on my parents as well. My mom always felt like the outsider, like she came from the wrong town or wrong side of the tracks. Some years were okay for my dad, other years he felt excluded by his own siblings, particularly his older brother, who carried a grudge for decades over a church conflict that happened before I could even remember. For all the “Thanksgiving,” there was also a lot of passive-aggressive tearing down of each other. There were many years when the thing I was the most thankful for was that the day was over and done with for another year.
Despite the negative memories, this year I found myself wondering how I would apply that concept of listing things I am thankful for on this odd year. I had fallen into a bit of self-pity over the fact that my sister could not travel from South Dakota, and I felt like I couldn’t even safely justify a visit two or three miles away to see my parents given the skyrocketing numbers of COVID cases in Minnesota. But I really do have things to be thankful for. Even though we couldn’t see each other, at least my parents and sisters have remained healthy. My pregnancy is continuing to go well and I am able to stay working from home. I still have a job, and very significantly, good insurance benefits. Things could be much worse, and really are much worse for many individuals and families out there.
So what does all this mean? I believe that gratitude truly is the secret to happiness. If you can’t see and appreciate what you have, then how can anything ever really make you happy? And the next step in my mind is if you truly have thankfulness for all that you have, how can you fail to notice or care about others who have less or are in pain? Maybe it’s hard to know what to do in a pandemic. It’s not a great time to go volunteer somewhere or welcome a stranger into your home. But even just following the guidelines to prevent the spread of the virus can be a service to others. I keep telling myself it’s just this one year. I can sacrifice Thanksgiving and Christmas this year to try to ensure my family can safely be together next year with no members permanently missing.
It’s ironic how often the people who have the most are the least able to be happy or content in life. This is hardly a new concept, but it has hit closer to home this year as I watch my extended family deal with the loss of my grandmother. My grandfather passed away years ago, and this past January, at the age of 94, my grandmother passed away as well. Although she had been in the assisted living and then the nursing home for a number of years, I knew her death would still change things. The matter of the estate has become a source of tension and old wounds. There wasn’t any cash left, but there is a house and farmland and various other items that are left equally to my dad, his two sisters, and his older brother.
My dad has worked hard on his farm his whole life and still has heavy debts against his property. But he is trying his best to help my oldest sister and her husband to be successful in farming the farm that I grew up on. For the past several years my dad has also worked the farmland that belonged to my grandma. This summer my uncle made it clear in family meetings that he didn’t believe my dad was paying enough in land rent or that my sister was paying enough rent for the little part of my grandma’s farm that she was using. My uncle stated that no deals would be made for any family members and that top market value would be expected for anything that was rented or sold.
Perhaps the most ironic part of it all is that of the four siblings my uncle is the most well to do. He didn’t have an interest in farming, and instead took a state job and has a very comfortable retirement that he and his wife can live on. They own a house and acreage without debt and spend almost all summer at a lake up North. But my uncle has no interest in helping anyone else in the family in any way; he has made it clear that his interest is in getting as much money as possible. Keeping a family legacy alive and keeping the land in the family is also not a priority to him.
Some people might say that my uncle is just concerned with fairness. However, over the years I have listened to my relatives who work in the “ministry” complain and expect handouts because of their occupation. It is hard not to feel resentful when I see my cousin, who is the daughter of this uncle, and she is able to be a stay at home mom with five children. Her husband is a pastor, they own a house, they have five children, and my cousin always looks great with fashionable new clothes and her hair and makeup done. How do they do it? How can they afford to live that way on a pastor’s income? My husband and I can’t raise even one child on a single income, even though we would prefer to have one of us home with our daughter and the new baby instead of having to resort to daycare. It’s hard to feel sorry for the people suffering in the ministry. My aunt who married a pastor also complains often about their finances, and yet they could buy a small house when they retired without taking out a loan. She also never had a full time job outside the home, even after her children were grown.
As I watch my parents aging I worry about them. They don’t have a retirement or savings, just a lot of debt. My dad got a rough start in farming during some very difficult years in the 1980s, and his brother made sure that he paid top market price for the farm that he bought from my grandparents.
I find myself wondering where the compassion is. Where is the desire to help others? I certainly don’t see the generous lifestyle described in Jesus’ teaching. I see competition and petty grudges and complaints. I guess it shows that the Pharisees are still alive and well in this era. And it’s so easy to take credit for your successes and say God has blessed you for being a good person when you are financially secure and successful. Which means, of course, that people less fortunate than you must have also done something to deserve their troubles. It’s a defense mechanism. If I can look at others and think they deserve what they got, then I can protect myself from the concept that the same misfortunes could happen to me. I will just be a really good person, and then God will be obligated to bless me. And hence the competition and judgment that plagues churches.
Is there a way out of the petty competitions and judgment? Perhaps it’s more of a Buddhist philosophy, but I still believe gratitude and generosity will do more to generate real happiness than anything else. Comparison really is the enemy of happiness and contentment, and I admit I still struggle with it often. But then I see the story on the news about the homeless and I remember that truly, “there but for the grace of God go I.” I have had those times of not knowing how to pay the rent. Of losing a job and not knowing what will happen next. Fortunately, I do have a support system that cares and will always try to help. Some people don’t have that. Some people don’t have anyone and they are truly alone in the world. So this Thanksgiving and Christmas season I am trying to practice gratitude and remember to look for ways to be generous when I can.
